Lost in Space

Lately I have been doing a lot of presentations for the company – seminars, forums, conferences. Nothing fancy, just some usual marketing talk.

This morning, after a session at UTM, I dropped by at Yowchuan Plaza to draw out some moolah. I checked my account and to my disappointment found only my usual amount of money in it. No millions. Which baffled me. How can?

Our space tourist, Datuk Wira Negara , is also under the same ministry as I am, same boss. People invite him for talks because of the experience and knowledge that he has (I think). His experience in space travel was funded by his sponsors – the ministry (taxpayers’ money) with public consent (votes Malaysian Idol style kan?). I get invited because of my company, which is owned by that same ministry. My knowledge in the subject is more or less public-funded too. Doing marketing, for the company – giving talks and such, is part of my job. I thought, motivating fellow rakyat, kids especially and reminding them of the BOLEH (translated as ‘can’ or ‘can do’?) spirit is part of his job – being glorified national hero and all that.

He gives talk. I give talk too.

He reportedly has millions from giving talks. I know for a fact, that I don’t have millions from giving talks or even from giving anything of me at all!

What am I missing here?

Because he has been to space is it? Big deal. You think I haven’t? I go spacey so often my head is light and giddy all the time!

You think maybe because he is prettier than me?

Next ceramah I give, you think maybe I shouldn’t part my hair in the middle anymore? I want my millions!

Hari-hari Terakhir Seorang PeRapid

Pagi Isnin yang muram. Awan tebal. Angin kuat. Macam nak hujan lebat.

Malam tadi lagi dah kemas ’beg sekolah’. Pastikan ada kad pengenalan (sebab selalu tertinggal), lesen memandu kelas L, handphone (bateri penuh), ipod (bateri penuh), duit (RM190 untuk bayar ujian ulangan dan sekurang-kurangnya RM50 untuk makan, tambang dsb). Lepas habis test nanti, ingatnya nak ke Bank Rakyat untuk tuntut hadiah (oh, i havent told you, but i won the Utusan/Kosmo essay competition themed ’ibu ratu hatiku’. Saguhati je), so i have made sure that inside my bag, there was that Bank Rakyat present voucher too.

Bangun pagi-pagi. Kerah budak-budak untuk cepat-cepat-cepat. Saya bersiap pon extra sikit hari ni. Siap pakai maskara. Spray No.5 pon sampai lima kali tekan. Harum. Nanti time test pon bukannya ada JPJ nak dok sebelah, tapi demi memulihkan keyakinan diri kan? Harum. Dan bulu mata hitam, tebal dan lentik. Lipstick jangan lupa. Gloss pon sapu. Merah dan basah. Perasaannya macam cun lah pagi ni.

Packed kids all inside the car. Dah masuk kereta, dah kunci pagar semua, baru perasan yang beg sekolah saya tertinggal dalam rumah. Marah Yamtuan sebab kena keluar kereta, bukak segala kunci semula,bukak kasut, masuk ambik beg dan ulang prosedur mengunci segala pintu dan pagar. Pagi-pagi lagi dah angin. Alamak, orang nak pergi exam ni, dia nak angin-angin pulak.

Dalam kereta semua diam. Cuaca kat luar tak baik. Cuaca kat dalam pon mandom.

Hantar anak ke sekolah. Sun pesan suruh mak dia periksa memandu buat elok-elok biar dapat nombor satu.

Yamtuan hantar saya ke sekolah memandu pulak.

Buat elok-elok. Pesan dia. Jangan over-confident dekat bukit tu. Tang parking, ingatlah yang kancil tu kencil je. Kotak tu besar.

Baik, tuan.

Good luck.

Baik, tuan.

Kiss. Kiss.

Sampai sekolah. Bayar RM190 (dengan tak ikhlas) dan duduk menunggu giliran. Ada lah sekelompok kami yang mengulang. Kebanyakannya gagal side parking lah. Tapi tak ada yang mengaku salah. Semua JPJ yang salah. Takpun kereta yang salah.

Nombor giliran saya 24. Bukan my lucky number. Nombor kesukaan saya ialah 7 atau 9. 2 + 4 baru 6. Cemana nak matematikkan pon tak boleh nak dapat 7 atau 9. Tapi hari ni, tarikh 17/11/2008. Ok lah, ada nombor 7 tu. Hari ni harijadi Abah. Kalau aruah Abah ada lagi, hari ni umur dia 65 tahun. Hati lega sikit. Hari yang baik. Tengok langit, awan hitam dah beransur pergi. Cuaca ngam. Tak panas, tak hujan. Hari yang baik untuk score exam. Kan?

Kemudian nombor saya dipanggil. JPJ perempuan yang panggil. Botak ke tidak, tak tau lah sebab dia pakai tudung. Muka dia pon tak keras macam granite. Biasa-biasa aje. Tak manis, tapi tak lah masam sangat.

Masuk kereta buruk warna biru. Yang punat handbrakenya pon dah pecah. Masa menunggu dalam kereta untuk ujian pertama, naik bukit, dalam hati saya berkata, jangaaaanlah gagal lagi. Tak ingin rasanya bagi sekolah RM190 lagi. Baik lah duit tu digunakan untuk tujuan yang berfaedah. Mengkayakan Encik Sunder dan adik beradik yang memang dah Orang Kaya PJ apalah hasilnya. Pasang nazar dalam hati untuk RM190.

Naik bukit. Berhenti atas garisan kuning. Free gear. Tarik handbrake. Angkat tangan.

Nombor? Dia tanya.

24, puan!

Turun! Dia bagi arahan.

Tekan clutch. Masuk gear satu. Tekan minyak. Balance. Kereta terjongkit. Lepas handbrake.

LULUS.

Terus pergi tempat parking.

Parking pulak. Cikgu kata macam kawad. Pusing steering kiri, lepas tu kanan, lepas tu kiri. Kiripkanankirip. Angkat tangan.

LULUS.

Keluar dari kotak parking terus keluar nak pergi jumpa JPJ. Dari jauh dah kena jerit. BUAT 3-POINT TURN DULU! Oh, lupa tak habis lagi.

Merakas masuk kereta balik. Buat 3-point-turn. Masuk, one stop, two and three stops. Berjaya keluar. Angkat tangan.

LULUS.

Wooooohoooooo!!! Yeeeeeeha! LULUS! Maka saya LULUS!

Pergi pondok JPJ ambik result, dia tick tick tick atas borang, LULUS. Bagi saya borang tu dan cakap, dah boleh pegi beli lori, tapi tak boleh bawak. Kena ambik lesen lori pulak. Waaa... dapat offer sambung belajar you!

Senyum tak putus. Pandang calon lain yang tengah tunggu giliran pon dengan muka penuh jobo. Haha, lulus you. Siapa sangka anak pompuan Encik Othman, ada jugak yang boleh memandu! Ramai orang kalah bertaruh dengan saya. Mungkin sampai Januari ni, hari-hari boleh tuntut makan free. Amaran : Saya Makan Banyak.

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Sejak lulus memandu Isnin lepas, sampai hari ni, Yamtuan bagi saya bawak kereta dia SEKALI je. Itu pun untuk keluarkan kereta dari parking. Adalah tak sampai seminit. Itu pon dia pakai seatbelt dan suruh budak-budak semua pakai seatbelt jugak, dan bukak tingkap luas-luas (manalah tau kena keluar ikut tingkap ke, dia kata). Kalau ada helmet, shin guard segala, mau dipakainya. Cheh.

Harapan Kecewa

That I am a huge fan of Datuk Ahmad Jais has been proven empirically, validated and is the Seventh Law of Thermodynamics. There is now one particular song of his that I listen to, day in day out. The title is ‘Harapan Keciwa’. True, it is a blood-dripping, tears-streaming kinda song – very depressing, but it befits my very mood right now. I can SO relate to it.

My own harapan, hope, has been keciwa, crushed since last 25 Saturday.

I thought, my next post after the Updates, would be just an enlarged pix of the driving license I was supposed to get. Keciwa.

I was hoping that this would be the week where I could be shopping for my first batmobile. Keciwa.

Blood-dripping, tears-streaming kind of keciwa. Keciwa of the highest order.

Of course I was nervous last 25th. Who wouldn’t be. But I wasn’t THAT nervous, you see.

I sat waiting for my turn, in a row with a group of teenage girls. We sat there pacifying each other while sizing up the JPJ officers. There were a few that we dreaded. One was especially so. He was kojak-bald, face hard as granite with a smirk and a frown carved. Tengok muka pon dah takut.

From about 3 metres away, he pointed his finger at me.

Instinctively I pointed to the girl sitting next to me. She crouched down. No, the Granite mouthed. He pointed at me again. Well, I know, some girls do find bald guys sexy and maybe they are. But come on, Granite is not just a guy, he’s a JPJ guy. Bald JPJ guy is NOT sexy, okay. Scary tau.

Cursing my luck, I went to him. Sat meekly in the driver’s seat and started to fidget with the mirrors and signals. Yamtuan told me to NOT open up the engine compartment or kick the tyres, so I didn’t. Put on seatbelt, stepped on the clutch, put the car in gear one and released the handbrake. Granite continued to sulk next to me.

‘Encik’ I said.
‘Kalau orang dah bawak kereta bertahun-tahun pun, kalau encik JPJ duduk sebelah, dia gelabah tau.’

Granite made a throaty sound. I think that was a laugh, but I couldn’t be sure.

‘Umur dah banyak, kenapa baru nak ambik lesen?’ he asked. Oooooh, Granite is making attempts to small-talk!

‘Syarat kenaikan pangkat, Encik’

And we chatted. Many times I noticed that he brake-brake. Hehe… At one point though, he asked me if I could speed up a little bit. I was already driving at 30 km/j! But how can I not listen to JPJ kan? So I rempit after that to 40 km/j.

When we arrive back at the circuit, he handed me my results. LULUS at 17/20 i.e 85%. CGPA 3.75. Candidate for Anugerah Khas Juri.

The bukit test I did perfectly. Balance all okay. And result was LULUS.

Then side parking. My teacher, Cikgu Mus told me to take my time. Man-man. Just don’t hit any poles, he said. So I took my time. Lepak. Man-man. And parked perfectly.But when the result was handed to me, it said GAGAL. Why, because, mengambil masa terlalu lama iaitu 6 minit. Apparently, the time given was only 5 minutes!

Keciwa lah kan. Where can fail? Especially when I know that there are plenty of non-side parkings out there. And it's not like i will endanger any one, kan? The issue will be just between me and an empty parking space. A parking space is un-annoyable. If i take 6 minutes, or 60 minutes, only my passengers will be annoyed (but they are MY passengers kan, not anyone else's), but at the end of the day, i dont think the situation is life-threatening (unless the passenger is Yamtuan and 60-minutes makes him want to throttle me dead).

I will re-sit and re-face bald JPS next Monday.

In the meantime, come berdarahdarah with me:-

Bila kukenang kurenung
Remuk redam rasa tak tertanggung
Harapan bahagia nan menggunung
Terhampar hanyut terapung

Harapan untuk bersama
Mendirikan istana asmara
Berpadu kasih erat dan setia
Kiranya tak terlaksana

Harapanku kecewa
Dalam manis madu kata-kata
Dengan pujukan yang hanya dusta
Aku terpedaya

Alam sekeliling membisu
Tak sepatah kata nan merayu
Hanya aku menanggung derita pilu
Tak seorang pun yang tahu