Monday, February 20, 2006

Cool Rules ~ The Dos and the Don'ts

Are you cool? I am cool. Are we all cool? Cooool!

Now for those of you who are not so cool, i am willing to be your masterji. First lesson free.

I swear what you'll read below are all based on actual real-life scenes. They happened to a disciple of mine called Maya, 27++ (real name withheld). Now, read and learn.

The train is awfully crowded. You sauntered into it, hips swaying (not because you are naturally sexy but because the fat tissues is always very swayable by nature) and people actually move to make way for you. Verily, the sea of people parts for you. A very elderly and handicapped makcik sees you and as quick as her condition allows her to be, get up and offer you her seat.

DON’T get offended and announce to all to hear that you are NOT pregnant.

DO get flattered. Like Ely once said to a victim of such episode, it must be your after-sex glow. The darling makcik must have mistaken it as pregnant-glow. Don’t slap her face.

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You wake up in the morning to discover that you have this really huge red angry pimple the jerawat-batu type right at the tip of your nose. And with all its size and glory it is screaming out loud, ‘look-at-me-me-me’, so much so that when your husband talks to you he is talking to that thing on the nose. And you see how he grits his teeth and you have to get a police restraining order on him so he won’t lunge at you and squeeze dear life out of the pimple. And you have a very important day that day and you want to be taken seriously and all that. With a nose like that of a witch's, you fear people will fear you instead.

DON’T use kohl and colour the pimple black and pretend that it is just a mole (I swear I know someone who does this all the time and no, she is not Sharifah Aini).

DO get flattered. Only teenagers are pimple-prone. Despite you being born in the pre-p.ramlee years, you must be biologically still in your teens. Rejoice!

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You are in a meeting with the CEO and all the big bosses. You are bored and sleepy. The pizza guy arrives and you wake up instantly. The guy sitting next to you (just as dopey as you) eagerly engage you in a discussion on how many pieces of pizza can you down and the two of you were placing bets on who could eat the most. Suddenly the CEO asks for your opinion. You have absolutely no idea what subject he is on about. And the whole meeting room becomes silent as they wait for your opinion. Eyes all on you. Drum rolls in the far distant.

DON’T admit that you find the pizzas more interesting than the meeting. Not even at gun-point.

DO be positive. Say agreeable and positive things like ‘I think we should go for it’, or ‘I am ok with it’ or ‘Can also’, but not before you scribble something on your note pad and punch some numerics on your calculator. If you have a measuring tape, it will help your case tremendously if you get up and measure the door too. All this with a frown on your face. The keyword here is to look serious like you KNOW what you are doing.

ENOUGH free lessons.

Now go cucumber-ing somewhere!

Thursday, February 16, 2006

The Exorcism of Oody Rose

I wrote this on my last day at previous office. I kept it as draft and never really meant to post it.

I am resigning from my job. I work for a project on a contractual basis. I have been here, as invisible woman, for more than two years. I told my boss (no no not Ali. Ali is The Client which is in actual a boss too, but here i mean the other boss, the one who signs my pay cheque) my intention to leave yesterday over the phone. He wanted to meet me today.

Upon entering his office.
Wahhhh, cantik hari ni?
Ye ke?
Ya lah, one piece!

On me resigning.
After all the training we have given you, you want to resign? It is unethical. Tak ada prinsip!
You have tarnished maruah bangsa.
Of course I recommended you there. They asked and I said you are good lah. Takkan I nak cakap tak bagus. But if they want you they will say anything.
I want the client (Ali really) to pay me 60k as gantirugi for you leaving.
But why should he pay? He doesn’t breach anything!
All the salary that I have paid you, he must reimburse.
But I am your employee, not his. Do you mean to say that if it weren’t for the client, you wouldn’t have paid my salary? Wouldn’t renew my contract?
No, of course not. I would have given you other projects. Look, I want the 60k not for my pocket. Call it grant money. I can use the money for research. Not for myself lah, oh no. He doesn’t lose much, maybe only about 40k, grant money is tax exempted.
Then you tell him. Since the beginning, I never discussed money, i never see any money transacted. You did. I just give him consultancy, the money talk was between you two.
No, you dont 'ask' him to pay the money. You 'remind' him. We must all be transparent.
Cant you just give the client another consultant?
Of course i can. In fact I can replace you with hundreds of people. Easily. But I don’t think he will want. After you, he will not trust malays again.
All this while you have been the bridging factor between me and the client. If you leave, everything is ruined. He will bring his business somewhere else.

On the project.
I knew from the beginning that it would fail.
But you didn’t tell me. I came here all idealistic and hopeful for the project! It would do so much good for the country lah, noble project lah... i was so fooled!I
It didn’t fail because I did not manage it well. I strategised for it to fail. I didn’t tell you because it was part of the strategy too.The only one losing is the company. The facility will still be up but under a different entity. The country doesnt lose. I don’t lose either because I will be made CEO of the other company, of course using a proxy. I will just come in as a consultant.
But so kasihan our company! If it owns the facility, it would do so much good in terms of knowledge distribution!
But then, I will be the one responsible for it! More work and headache! What for? I purposely let the project fail! The ministry will be upset but I can always say the company is the one at fault!
You must look at the big picture. The project to me was for exposure and networking. Through it I made contacts with ministers, high profile people and they all want to work with me.
The project doesn’t have to succeed. I benefit from it even without the project succeeding. It is all about strategy.
Learn from me.

On my new job.
In a way it is good that you work there. Sometimes I do need information that only they will have.
With you there, you can provide me with all the info I need.
You may think that all this while I have been using you and that even when you have left I would still want to use you. But if you think like that you will never be successful.
What you think is ‘using’ is actually ‘inter-dependent’; it is the fourth principle of the 7 principles of highly successful people.

On his leadership.
When I close my eyes or when I sleep, my mind doesn’t stop working. It gives me vision or dreams so vivid I always wake up confused not able to tell which is true which is a dream.
In these visions, I can sometimes assemble a helicopter, sometimes have arguments and discussions, dismantle a clock or solve mathematical problems.
Even in my sleep my brain is fully awake. You look at how red my eyes are. See?
But I am careful with what I eat now. It is more from using the brain too much.
Some people may think I am crazy but these visions are good. It makes me an adaptive leader.

On his abilities.
You know how sometimes I fire you and you think I fire you for nothing? Even when you did not say a thing? That is because I can read your mind. I know what you are thinking ..
No I don’t want to be CEO of this company. You have to choose the political camps to side, if you don’t you will just be used. They will make you their horse.
But just now you said, it is not about ‘using’, it is ‘inter-dependence’.
No, inter-dependence only applicable at your level. Not at mine.
Oh see my hands? It is warm. I feel electricity coming out from them. If I concentrate, I can move the phone up and make it swirl.
You know I can see ghosts. I have the sixth sense. I see them. There was one that followed me back from that resort I went to last year. It attached itself to my neck. But all these creatures I can shoo them away.
I am not afraid of anyone or anything. I have trained myself so I feel equal to anyone, even ministers. Some ministers I am not comfortable not because they are any better than me, but because I don’t like them.

On working relationship.
You remember one time you accused me of sabotaging you?
What? I did? Never! I never accused you of anything. Sabotaging me? Did you?
Alahhh… you said I hired you but the project didn’t really need you lah that your post was just a show lah? Sabotaj lah tu.. Well it was all part of the strategy.
Would a strategist be transparent about his strategy? Of course not. But this IS what I planned for you. If it weren’t for me, for the project, you would not have learnt what you did here. This job offer you received, was due to me.

My Boss

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I left that company about 5 months back, and i have never felt happier! Why do i bring this up again? Well, i thought i have exorcised the ghost out of my life. But nooooo.... that ghost from the past is back haunting me. Guess what, i received many many calls yesterday from the old office. The ex-boss has tendered in his resignation.

AND He's coming here!!!! CRY! WAIL! DIE DIE! Come March his ofice will be next to mine. And i will have to see his face again. Oh NOOOOO! DIE LOH! Somebody save me!
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