Monday, February 20, 2006

Cool Rules ~ The Dos and the Don'ts

Are you cool? I am cool. Are we all cool? Cooool!

Now for those of you who are not so cool, i am willing to be your masterji. First lesson free.

I swear what you'll read below are all based on actual real-life scenes. They happened to a disciple of mine called Maya, 27++ (real name withheld). Now, read and learn.

The train is awfully crowded. You sauntered into it, hips swaying (not because you are naturally sexy but because the fat tissues is always very swayable by nature) and people actually move to make way for you. Verily, the sea of people parts for you. A very elderly and handicapped makcik sees you and as quick as her condition allows her to be, get up and offer you her seat.

DON’T get offended and announce to all to hear that you are NOT pregnant.

DO get flattered. Like Ely once said to a victim of such episode, it must be your after-sex glow. The darling makcik must have mistaken it as pregnant-glow. Don’t slap her face.

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You wake up in the morning to discover that you have this really huge red angry pimple the jerawat-batu type right at the tip of your nose. And with all its size and glory it is screaming out loud, ‘look-at-me-me-me’, so much so that when your husband talks to you he is talking to that thing on the nose. And you see how he grits his teeth and you have to get a police restraining order on him so he won’t lunge at you and squeeze dear life out of the pimple. And you have a very important day that day and you want to be taken seriously and all that. With a nose like that of a witch's, you fear people will fear you instead.

DON’T use kohl and colour the pimple black and pretend that it is just a mole (I swear I know someone who does this all the time and no, she is not Sharifah Aini).

DO get flattered. Only teenagers are pimple-prone. Despite you being born in the pre-p.ramlee years, you must be biologically still in your teens. Rejoice!

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You are in a meeting with the CEO and all the big bosses. You are bored and sleepy. The pizza guy arrives and you wake up instantly. The guy sitting next to you (just as dopey as you) eagerly engage you in a discussion on how many pieces of pizza can you down and the two of you were placing bets on who could eat the most. Suddenly the CEO asks for your opinion. You have absolutely no idea what subject he is on about. And the whole meeting room becomes silent as they wait for your opinion. Eyes all on you. Drum rolls in the far distant.

DON’T admit that you find the pizzas more interesting than the meeting. Not even at gun-point.

DO be positive. Say agreeable and positive things like ‘I think we should go for it’, or ‘I am ok with it’ or ‘Can also’, but not before you scribble something on your note pad and punch some numerics on your calculator. If you have a measuring tape, it will help your case tremendously if you get up and measure the door too. All this with a frown on your face. The keyword here is to look serious like you KNOW what you are doing.

ENOUGH free lessons.

Now go cucumber-ing somewhere!


Blogger dr in the house said...


Lessons 1 and 2, I can follow but lesson 3, ada susah sikit. You see, I am a terrible liar and the more I pretend to know, the more idiotic I will be!

7:25 AM  
Blogger mommy@lif said...

dear guru,
lesson 2 always happen to yours truly. practice makes perfect. enuff said.

won't survive lesson 1 and 3 cos like DITH i am lurus bendul type of person

5:34 PM  
Blogger sue said...


Lesson 2&3 --> baru jek dilalui dlm seminggu dua nie..

Lesson , I do intend to avoid any situations like that..hahahahha

6:11 PM  
Anonymous mar said...

Mahaguru super oody
Tenkiu dari hamba yg tak cool langsung nie heheh

12:28 AM  
Blogger Kak Teh said...

5:53 AM  
Blogger Nazrah said...

cucumbers give me funny ideas.

6:39 AM  
Blogger OOD said...

Dr House,
looks like i can make more money from you by giving 'How to Tell a Lie'lessons.. lemme prepare the syllabus.

Alif's mommy,
make sure you enroll for the 'Tell Lies' classes ya? And dont sit next to Dr.House, belakang you both tiru.

aahhh... a fellow remaja like me. Yo sistah! Wassup!

tak cool langsung? Aiyah... definetly requires intensive gerak-tubi classes.

K to the kak teh,
yo? Iyo? Iyo ko io?

yes yes.. the 1000 and 1 ways to use cucumber. I especially like em juiced. For the anti oxidant effect. Ya? Absolute burp!

5:35 PM  
Blogger Ely said...

now how did i miss this entry?

no wonder my right ear has been hot and red lately. my name was mentioned hehehe.

i like ur tips...the meeting tip..thats what i always do, just say yes and ok. can save lives!

7:01 AM  
Anonymous nong said...

heya sis ikang!

i pon ada jerawat baru sekarang...
kat kepala!!

i dont know why, tahi lalat, jerawats semua suka tumbuh di kepala. :(

sakit sakit

5:15 PM  
Anonymous mobilemom said... husband tends to get those nasty jerawats. While I like to just picit it when dah masak!! :P Does that means he's still in his teenager wannabe era?? Eeeii jeles la macam ni!! :P

6:41 PM  
Blogger OOD said...

try GI.Jane punya hairdo. Less hair, less heat, less oil, less problem.. plus macho sexy like that.


kalau masak ranum,, and picit it will go SPLAT like that merah kuning... syoh!
How old is your husband again? 15? Awesome!

12:15 AM  
Blogger Zack said...

Ood, thanks for lesson no. 1. I don't blame them, though, sbb love handles and expecting moms nampak lebih kurang serupa aje.

Tp sedih juga sbb MAKCIK yg offer tempat duduk. Mana gi lelaki2 macho Malaya?

5:08 AM  

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