Things that are good-to-have but I wish you never have-to-use

Pepper sprays
I am on to my third pepper spray now. The first two had exceeded their expiry date, I never used any one of them. I carry my third pepper spray in my knapsack all the time, If ever the need to use it arises, I will have to tell the attacker to wait-a-sec-please while I rummage through my black-hole of a bag to retrieve the lethal weapon. In the meantime? He (assuming the baddies are always men) could just sit there finishing a cigarette. Once the spray is found – if it is possible at all – how to use it is another story altogether. Theoretically I know how but in practice I have never tried it. One thing for sure is he must bend a bit so the spray would be at the same level as his face. If he could squat for me, better, so I can spray into his eyes. The instruction label says I need to check for the direction of the wind too because we don’t want to spray at him only to have the wind redirect all the pepper energy back to me. Oh, that reminds me, I should perhaps tie a ribbon to the spray so when I hold it up, I can see where the wind is blowing. So if the ribbon moves to the right, wind is in THAT direction, so I should move the assailant to the… left, right? Aiyohh…. So susah this left-right business! I long for a just word where there is neither leftist nor rightist, where even left is right and right is right where it should be, on the left.
One kid I know (son of a colleague) used a pepper spray on his arm pit as deodorant. The effect? Persistent crying and the sudden inability to put the arms down. Smells god-awful too. The effect lasted for days! That boy, will never grow up to be a crook, that I am pretty sure of. He would never want to be at the receiving end of a pepper spray.
May you and me never need to use pepper sprays. Keep safe, ya?

Air bags
I have never and probably would never test drive a car. Many times though I have test-ride a car. (Yes, you out there, the one making faces. I still don’t have a driver’s license. I did say that I’ll get it this year and hey, it is only October. Patience, my friends, patience.) Anyways, every time I test ride friends’ new cars I would ask them to ‘let’s try your air bags’. They always said no. Chicken. My friends all come from the happy poultry farm, what can I say. Birds of the same feather are all chicken.
But unless intended, no, I wish you’ll never have to activate your air bags. Drive safely, ya?

Fire extinguishers
Remove pin, direct at base of fire and press nozzle or something like that. The instruction sounds wonderfully simple. I have tried the powder type during one fire drill. It wasn’t as wonderfully simple as the instruction. I have sat through many fire drill exercises; saw many friends and foe alike tried their hands on the fire extinguishers. Some could never make it work. Some could manage to spray but the fire didn’t get put out. Success rate I estimate to be maybe 50% only. How leh, Mr Fireman Sam?
May non-fireman like you and me never have to use the fire extinguisher, ever.
Jangan main api dan jangan main mercun tanpa pengawasan orang dewasa yang boleh diharap. 15 tahun belum dikira dewasa ya. Adakala, 40 tahun pun belum dewasa. Atau tak boleh diharap. Terutama, hal bermain dengan bahan letupan ni. Kemain suka dia!

50% discount voucher for sex change surgery
Hehehe.. Must you? I hope never. 50% discount does sound like a good deal but, you were made the way you were for a season. Oops, for a reason..
I had a chat with this one guy once. He is a big man, towering over me like KLCC over Maxis Tower. Huge. And he was lamenting how girls always get it easier than guys. Show a bit of skin, wear an extra inch of make-up, lace the smile with extra sugar and honey-butter each words uttered, you might just get that job. But he said, if he were to come home one day in a sari, the wife would probably smother him dead with a chapatti. I thought he was funny. I told him point-blank that I really truly don’t think he would look nice in saris. In fact I think it would be horrifying. He had to agree.

Talak
You know the compulsory kursus kahwin we were all made to attend? Two lonnng days, on a weekend too, aiyoyoh…. Anyways, an ustaz told us in one of the sessions that, honeymoon IS a necessity.
He said, a few years down the road when the going starts getting tougher and tougher and you somehow have stopped communicating with your spouse (for whatever reason), go open up your honeymoon album and look back at that smiling couple. You were in love with him/her once, weren’t you? You were crazy for him/her! Everything about him/her was once adorable if not super. What happened? That fire couldn’t just simply sizzle out, could it? For those happy moments frozen in Timex, captured by Konica, printed on Kodak, wouldn’t you want to put in more effort? By listening, empathising, trying to understand and finally agree on a ‘pelan damai’ with a set goal in mind? Small achievable and measurable milestones, and the commitment to see the plan through. Don’t try to save the marriage for the kids, do it for you. It is not fair to put the burden of your marriage on them kids. You don’t want to one day turn to them and say, ‘I suffered many years of your father just for you and this is what I get?’ when the kid comes home with all Ds for her PMR. Not fair, kan? Try. Even Berlin wall came down!
Unless you have really tried and all you could see was mountain-high walls worse than China wall and Berlin wall and more formidable than Pudujel wall put together, so impossible to scale, break or go around, I hope you will never have to use the talak on your spouse.

Amin.