Heart Burn

Last night we were at a Yamtuan’s bestfriend’s house.. The wife’s sister was there too. I never really liked this friend's wife. She was a bit too girlish for me. Very giggly and sickeningly-cute, I couldn’t stand her. But she was after all 10 years younger than me. She may annoy me, but she was a friend’s wife. And I was a guest in her house. So, I tolerated her the best I could. Her sister? She was 20. Looked exactly like her but the girlishness playmate characteristics all? Amplified.

The two of them, annoyed the crap out of me. But Yamtuan seemed smitten by them. Especially the kid sister. She wanted Yamtuan’s help with her resume, and then she was kind of hoping that Yamtuan could help her either get a job at his uni or get her a place as a student there. Any course. The one that Yamtuan taught would be better – of course. And so Yamtuan and her, kept having the need to find some quiet spot in the house to discuss how he could be of help to her.

I could tell Yamtuan was absolutely smitten. The way he floated and beamed, what wife wouldn’t know?

Just now in the car.

Dot was sitting in the back. I don’t know where Sun was.

You seem to like her very much, I said.
‘Yes,’, he answered. I have always known Yamtuan to be an honest guy. Painfully honest, sometimes.
What are you going to do about it? I asked.
‘I don’t know.’
You don’t know. Would you rather be with her than me?
‘Right now, yes.’
Why? Have I not been good enough to you, and for you?
‘at the moment, I don’t want to think beyond the fact that I want to be with her.’
Just like that. What have I done wrong?
‘Ever since the pregnancy, you’ve been cold and distant from me. We don’t even talk. You are always too tired to even sit down and watch tv with me. I am lonely.’
You are lonely. How pitiful. You think I am pregnant by myself? Didn’t you contribute at all? YOU made me pregnant and pregnancy makes me tired all the time. You think I will myself to be tired? If you care to remember, throughout all the previous ones, I was like this too. Couldn’t you bear with me?
‘like I said, I don’t want to think. I want to be with her. Are you going to be difficult?’
No I wont. Why don’t you stop the car here right now, let me out.
‘Okay’ and he stopped the car.
I climbed out from the car and looked at Dot.
‘Dot, come with me.’ I called out to her.
‘No, I want a new mummy’
And the door was slammed shut.

I swaggered off from the car. Funny, the car was a volkswagon. And I was infront of Harrod’s. When did we buy a volks? What were we doing in London?

I watched him sped off without even looking back at me. That was when it hit me hard.

The feeling was like a mammoth-sized ball, hitting me right smack on the chest and I was taken over, engulfed by such grief that I dint know how to even cry. I bent over in pain and how the pain smouldered me. All of our 5-year long marriage unfolded before my eyes, the laughter and happiness that we have shared, that magical day when we were married, memories of each childbirths where he stood strong by myside, the holidays we went together, the time when I was sick and he nursed me back to health day and night, .. funny how the sweetest memories turned out to be the memories that hurt you the most. I couldn’t remember the bad times. It was all good ones and they all hurt. They shattered into millions of tiny pieces that flew all about me and cut into my skin and my eyes.

And I fell to the ground , there on the wet pavement infront of Harrod’s. The tears finally arrived.

And someone shook my shoulder. It was Yamtuan.

‘Wake up! Wake up!’
I woke up but the tears wouldn’t stop.
‘Lain kali nak tidur baca-bacalah sikit.. Astafar!’
I tried. It calmed me down and then I stock-take the surrounding.

I wasn’t in London (drats!). No. I was on the bed with Yamtuan and the kids, here in Malaysia on its 50th national day. We were at Dataran Merdeka this morning for the Merdeka celebration, and the moment we reached home, we all took a nap. That friend’s manja-manja wife? She doesn’t even have sisters.

Phew, just a dream! But you see, this is something that happens to me always during all my pregnancies. The nightmares. There are only two themes; either Yamtuan leave me or there is an attack of baby ghosts. Either I would wake up sobbing or screaming. Sometimes Yamtuan would find me thrashing out in my sleep while reciting out loud verses from the Quran. Sometimes, even surahs that consciously I don’t memorise too.

The dreams are always too vivid. I would be affected for days!

Thus why, I decided to write about the dream I just had, right away. So it would be done and over with.

And Happy National Day, all!