Sunday, September 16, 2007

Mak

The document declares Mak to have died at 5 pm on Tuesday of 11th September. Reason of death is stated as ‘acute pulmonary oedema’.

Right from after the Hospital Terendak little procedure, Mak had been complaining of a bit of difficulty in breathing. As the days progressed by, her breathing became more labored. Especially at night. So much so that she couldn’t lie down anymore. Many nights she would spend just sitting on the bed, staring into darkness. Only God knows what was on her mind then.

What should have been obvious to us was her preparation for death.

She told my sister, where her body should be put - in the living room right at that corner. She told my brother where her monies were kept and who should get what. She even told my sister how to pay for her funeral - use sedekah money. She went back kampong, paid all her debts, met most of the relatives, apologised and said her goodbye. And she called one auntie of mine to come over. She told this auntie that her job was done, she was contented and ready to be called.
On the weekend right before that Tuesday, she sent Bibik to my sister’s house. Being left alone, she cooked! Oh how she cooked! She had not been cooking since the amputation. But that day, she cooked all of our favorites - although my brother and me weren’t around. Then she cleaned up the house, gave away our Gila-Gila collections (that we have collected since its first edition), dusted the whole house down and even found the time to sew two pillows and two bolsters.

All the while, I wasn’t there. I last saw her when we were in Melaka. That was exactly a month ago. I last spoke to her a few days after that. I would live with the regret of not calling her more often. I didnt know, I didn’t get the warning. But even for those who did see the signs, of course wouldn’t think the worse. My sis and bro just brushed off her talks of death. Our mother couldn’t be dying! Not Mak!

On Monday night, her breathing got worse. Bibik ran to get help from a neighbour and so Mak was sent to hospital. I received the sms from my sister at about 7 pm. She said, Mak was admitted to ICU and the doctor said, her breathing could stop anytime.

I wanted to go back kampong right then and there but I didn’t. I reached a compromise with Yamtuan to leave in the next morning.

In the morning, my sis texted me that Mak’s condition had improved tremendously. Her lungs were flooded due to kidney failure but she was given oxygen and all that so some colours had returned to her face. She could sit and talk and chatted quite a bit too. In fact the doctor said, maybe later that day Mak could be transferred to an ordinary ward. She was getting better. How true thay said that Death played tricks on us. It gave us a bit of good news so we would be careless.

I boarded the 11am express bus and arrived at the hospital at 3.30pm.

Mak was sleeping. They have punctured a hole in her stomach in the attempt to drain her lungs and stomach from the excess fluid. She looked tired and there were too many wires and tubes going in and out of her - mouth, nose, chest, toes, stomach, arms. I didn’t have the heart to wake her up. At one point, the nurses nudged her to move a bit to the right because the liquid wasn’t draining out as fast as they hoped. Mak moved but she didn’t open her eyes, she seemed groggy and in pain. I could only watch.

At 4pm, my sis and I left her side for a quick meal. But not before we check the monitors. BP, pulse, heart beat, oxygen level all seemed to be okay. We came back ICU soon after but was denied entry by the nurses. We were asked to wait outside, the doctor wanted to see us later, they said. And so while waiting, we discussed how to care for her. Visitors were not allowed to sleep in the ICU, so my sis said, I would have to camp at the Balai Pelawat. Can, not a problem, I said, but can you ask Bibik to cook some snack for me, because without constant nibbling, I would be sick. We made the plans and all that.

At 5pm, they called us in. The doctor said, Mak stopped breathing at 4 and nothing they did could resuscitate her. I asked like an idiot, so how is she now? ‘Dia dah tak ada lah’ said the doctor. Mak died in her sleep.

The first thing that crossed my mind was, I had to tell Abah. I must tell Abah to look out for Mak.

By the time they allowed us to go to her, she was already cold. My regrets? Loads. Things that I should have done, or should have done better, and things that I should not have done. It was so easy if I could just blame Yamtuan for a lot of things. I could ruin my marriage that way and what good would it be?

For many many selfish reasons, I didn’t want her to go. Who would I return to for Hari Raya? Where would my kampong be now that the house would be barren of her. Who would care for me during confinement? Who would help me hunt for leaves and roots so I would be as good as new again? Who would pinch the cheeks of my children and find them adorable despite their antics? Who would love me as only a mother could? Who would know of all my many flaws – hidden or otherwise, accept me for what I was and still hug me close to her chest? I havent even told her of my pregnancy although she knew even before i knew. For my first two pregnancies, Mak suffered the morning sickness for me. I was spared, pregnancy was easy for me, but Mak would suffer. She would be green in the mornings, she would be throwing up and sensitive to a lot of smells. But not this time. A few weeks ago, i texted my sis, i said, 'I am pregnant and my morning sickness is bad, does it mean Mak is spared?'. Yes, she was. I should have seen it as a sign. But how was i to know?

When would I ever be ready to be without my Mak?
Never.

She had loved me even before I was born. Life was stirred in me when I was of miniscule size lying deep in her womb close to her heart. With each of her heartbeat, my little heart beat too. Who else would know me best? Who else would be able to accept me no matter how many times I failed her and hurt her. Only my mother.

I was 22 when Abah passed away. It got me angry. I was too young, I said! I needed my father!

I am 37 now and funny, I am not any more ready now than I was 15 years ago. When would I ever be ready? When would I ever stop needing my parents? Never. But there is no anger this time. Redha.

But Mak needs me now. I know that it is not my tears that she needs, things that she need I can still send. Prayers and prayers and prayers. And that consoles me somehow. You havent heard the last of me yet, Mak!

To all friends, Ummi H (my KJ), Kak Teh, Dena, Nazrah, Jo, Kak Ruby, Shidah, Mamagie & partner, Imp, Blabarella, Elisataufik and others who sent me messages. Know this, each messages help comfort me as i know each of your Alfatihah-s comfort my Mak.

Thank you.









28 Comments:

Blogger Nazrah said...

...

*hugs*

12:57 AM  
Blogger Kak Teh said...

Ood, oh Ood, what can I say and do to ease the pain? Pls take care and pls know that our thoughts are with you.

1:03 AM  
Blogger OOD said...

nazrah and kakteh,

*hugssss*

thank you.

2:15 AM  
Anonymous mak andeh said...

We will never stop missing them parents Ood. I know I never did and never will.


Please take good care of yourself (and baby-congratulations!).


*hugs kuat-kuat from one orphan to another*


Al-Fatihah and may her soul rests in His Jannah.

6:29 AM  
Anonymous nohachomel said...

kak ood, takziah...*hugs*

Al-Fatihah

10:32 AM  
Blogger Arena said...

Takziah dan al-fatihah..

7:34 PM  
Anonymous kna said...

Ood,

Takziah and Al-Fatihah.

My grandmother passed away on Sunday Morning 16.09.2007 in Rembau, N9 after being bedridden for 5 years plus.


Rgds,

7:45 PM  
Blogger OOD said...

Oh Mak Andeh, tell me how to deal with my many ghalat(s)..

Thanks
*hugs-u-back-just-as-hard*

noha chomel,
thanks..
*hugss*

arena,
thank you for the sedekah.

kna,
i am sorry to hear of your loss. God knows what is best, therefore it must be best for her.
Al fatihah.

9:43 PM  
Anonymous mak andeh said...

Ood:

If this may help, whenever I miss them I will always try and imagine my parents walking hand in hand in Heaven...being happy together, strong and able. And that every doa from us (their children left behind) brings them extra joy and extra "marks" to be "upgraded" nearer to God. And that they are in a much better place now.


Keep them in your prayers, always. I also teach my children to say prayers for their grandparents.

Allahummaghfirli waliwalidayya, warhamhuma kamaa robbayaanii shoghiira.

Ya Allah ampunilah daku dan rahmati dan kasihanilah kedua ibu bapaku sebagaimana belas kasihannya mereka kepadaku sewaktu aku kecil dahulu



Doa anak yang soleh akan berpanjangan untuk ibu dan bapa yang telah pergi.


Amin.


Take Care.

11:58 PM  
Blogger dith said...

Ood,

.....sorry to read this....brought me back to your old entry on how you took care of her when she was ill before,,,how you left your job for her....I can feel your regrets of not able to do the same this time.....but insyallah...continue with your dua....take care

3:22 PM  
Blogger Hjh Esah Jolie said...

Ood, my thoughts are with you.

3:44 PM  
Blogger Theta said...

Ood dear,
My deepest, heartfelt condolence. Al-Fatihah to your beloved mother.

My eyes were brimming with tears upon reading this.

Take great care.

4:33 PM  
Blogger elisataufik said...

my heart goes out to you. *hugs*
baca al-fatihah banyak2, not only for her, but also for you.

*writes down mak andeh's doa*

2:56 AM  
Blogger ruby ahmad said...

Hi Ood,

What a touching entry.

You are right..we are never ready. As I said before my dear, this is a time for grieving, so do grieve. One thing I know time will heal but from my experience it was over quite sometime so don't feel guilty about it. Just go with the flow..

Al-Fatihah..

8:25 AM  
Blogger Awang Goneng said...

Ood, takziah. I am saddened by your Mum's passing. May Allah rest her soul, and may He give you sabr.

10:10 AM  
Blogger Ely said...

dearest ood,

i received nazrah's email last week. i am so sorry for not being able to call or even email u. but my heart and doas are with u and your arwah mak.

i do not know what to say or how to say but believe me, you do have friends who feels for u and ur family.

wish i am around more often or even physically closer to comfort u.

hugggs...love u!

1:47 PM  
Blogger MakNenek said...

salam ood
alfatehah. take care dear. may allah bless the soul of your dear mother. be well.

salam
ruby

2:24 PM  
Blogger anasalwa said...

Ood,
I found out about your Mak''s death through Kak Teh's blog. Please accept my deepest condolence. My prayer and thought are with you.

6:26 PM  
Blogger drbubbles said...

OOD,

I don't know what to say to you in this time of great sorrow.

I'll be glad to listen.(You know you can reach me at YM all the time).

Al-fatihah.

6:58 PM  
Blogger Queen Of The House said...

Oody, I am so sorry to hear of your Mak's passing. Al-Fatehah for her, and for you - I hope you'll be strong in facing this loss. ((( HUGS )))

7:55 PM  
Blogger Uncle said...

I'm sorry...
I remembered the aerogramme u sent on Abah's death... And now ur SMS...
Al-Fatiha...

9:17 PM  
Blogger OOD said...

mak andeh,
i suppose in the after life, mak gets her limbs back? You know lately, in my dreams, it is me without one leg.
Thanks MA for the doa. Wuv you.

Dr House,
before akil baligh, everyday i prayed that God would take me so i could be my parents' saham and i could help prepare jannah for them. Then the P came and i was still alive. I continued doa that He would take me so i would be spared the pain of losing them. Everytime they go away, i would be waiting for them by the window.. so worried was i that they would never return home to me.
You know what, silly silly silly juvenile me, now i am glad that those doas were not granted and i am still alive today so i could now help send some good their way.
Thanks, DITH.

Hjh EJ,
thank you. I know i will heal one day. I must kan? Thanks.

Theta,
thank you so much. I miss her and being human that i am, rindu can only be healed when the senses are satisfied. Boleh nampak, dengar, pegang, peluk and tell her that i love her. When this becomes impossible, the rindu becomes unbearable. But, i gather strength from doas of friends - like you. Thanks.

elisataufik,
*hugss*
thanks, i needed that.

kak ruby,
i am okay among friends and Yamtuan and the kids. I am okay at work too. However, when i am alone, willing myself to sleep and it wouldnt come, then i have all those memories of her playing like a projector in my mind. And i understand how she must have missed us her kids, being grown up and away from her. And then my regrets would come and with it the pain. Like you said, time will heal, i know i will one day only because i must.
Thanks kak Ruby, loads!

AG oh AG,
i remember what you taught me, zikir. I told her and she did the zikir. Always, esp during her many sleepless nights, zikir she did. Maybe i will find my calm in it too, kan?
Thanks AG.

Ely,
and you know i sayang you too, even from such distance and silence. I know, Ely. Thanks.

11:12 PM  
Blogger OOD said...

mak nenek ruby,
thank you so very much. I never realised how big a part she was in my adult life until God took her. I am the one crippled now!
Thanks for the prayers..

anasalwa,
thank you loads. For the prayers and your kind thoughts.

dr B,
sigh.. thank you, bro. i know i can always turn to you, even without the invitation.

QOTH,
thanks and *hugs*. I will be okay, eventually.

uncle,
you must know that i am comforted by your sms-es. I didnt reply any because i didnt know how to comfort you back. And your mak called me too. I would hug her if she was infront of me. Thanks for what you did when Abah passed away and now for sharing my grief of losing Mak. You have always been the dearest of friends. Dont you feel bad. You have done the best you could. And i can only thank you. Salam to your parents.

11:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oodie, i have not been near the blogsphere for ages. and now i have tears trickling down, what can i say? hugs to you...

Al Fatehah to your mum

-kak tenah

12:13 AM  
Blogger Uja said...

Ood,

My condolence. She is in a better place, insya'allah.

Hope you are keeping well, and the rest of your family too.

6:34 AM  
Blogger anggerik merah said...

Odd dear,

Al fatihah to your mom and Takziah to the family.

May she rest in peace.

8:47 AM  
Blogger OOD said...

kak tenah,
thankyou and *hugses*

uja,
i have my days, some better than most. Dot cries when she recites Fatihah before sleep sometimes, but apart from that, we are ok i guess... Thanks.

Anggerik Merah,
thank you especially for the AlFatihah. Surely the other life is better than this kan? Dot kept reminding me that there really is no reason to be sad about, Mak is away meeting God. That must be good kan?

5:52 AM  
Blogger Roti Kacang Merah said...

sigh.

only knew about the passing over of your Mak when breezing through Kak Teh's blog.

Hope it's still not too late to ucap takziah for your loss...

beautifully written piece, sebak rasa, bergenang air mata...

*hugs*

3:06 AM  

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