Thank You

I wonder who invented ‘thank you’. I would like to go up to her (my gut feeling says she is a woman) and say ‘thank you’ for enabling me to sum all that i feel towards you in a word as simple as benign as ‘thank you’.

Thank you for all the words of encouragement. Through here, smses, phone calls and emails, or even discreet doas. I am comforted in the knowledge that I have you rallying behind me, always ready to prop me up again should I slump, ever ready to crutch me should I falter, ever willing to help.

Thank you for genuinely being a friend.

My Emak is now in GHKL. That day I went back home? I found out that the toe wasn’t blue, it was black. Even to my untrained eyes, I could see that it was gangrene. No wonder she was in so much pain! Took her to a specialist hospital and they said they didn’t have a vascular surgeon. We were to find this surgeon ourself! Where, I asked? Maybe in Malacca hospital, maybe in HKL or HUKM, the doctor wasn’t so sure. But one thing he could tell me confidently was that there was no such surgeon in Johore. Whoa!

So we bundled her up, put her in the car and drove down to KL. By the time we reach Sungei Besi toll, Emak had started to lose grip. Her eyes rolled and ~ i have difficulty describing this ~ like popped out from the socket, she had breathing difficulty and she was delirious. She croaked out her children’s names and asked for them and she mentioned words scary taboo like‘mati’. The traffic wasn’t very kind, typical of KL but Yamtuan was really flooring it. I held her hands and told her to be patient and i practically left the kids to helter skelter in the car. The amazing thing was, even though my heart was beating furiously and my ears felt so hot with all the rush of blood, and deep-down I was reduced to a scaredy little girl; I managed to maintain my cool. I felt somewhat detached from it all. And anguished me could see a different me taking over the situation, cool and calm.

We reached Emergency & Admission, they wheeled her into semi-critical section and I went with her. And then things happened like in the tv. Needles and tubes and lotsa people in white drapes behind blue curtains and my heart was doing the F1 and etc etc..

Soon her condition stabilized. She was hypoglycemia (2.3) and hypertension (230/150).

That was Tuesday 27th Sept. Almost two weeks ago.

She is still at Ward 12 of GHKL. Her blood sugar yoyo-es between 0.5 to 14. Her BP is almost always on the high side. One toe remains black, two are turning more blue-black-er by the day. Today they will do angio. We should know when the surgery will take place after today.

Caring for Emak is not easy. It is heart-wrenching and very very trying. Like I told Nazrah and Imp, it is not the toilet business that is difficult. Not at all. We were all born from between our mom’s toilets anyway, front and back. So cleaning her is not a problem at all.

But having to be brave and strong is tough.
Seeing her in pain, is tough.
Seeing her face when doctors refuse to give more morphines and painkillers, is tough.
Hearing her plead to me to let her keep the toes, is tough.
Forcing her to eat and drink, is tough.
Stifling my tears, is tough.

But I am okay. Yamtuan is a balm to my battered soul. He takes care of the kids (they are both demam pulak tu) and he does his sahur and berbuka by himself. He doesn’t complaint a tiny bit. These all so I can have only one worry, just Mak. He and the kids don’t become part of the problem. We are both tired and sleep-deprived but he understands the sacrifices that we all have to make and so he remains to be supportive. And I thank God for him.

And I have the doas, hugs and kisses from all you wonderful people. And I am also armed with air zamzam from Nefertiti. And I know now what surahs to read to her and what doas to recite to calm her nerves. And I know God knows what is in my heart. And i know too that He knows what is best. So I am not worried and I am not so afraid anymore.

I am okayee ok.

Thank you friends.