Mothering Emak

Mak is only 55 years old. Although I think 55 is a cosy number ~ I would call her ‘still young’ ~ she feels her age, or maybe older. Sometimes I feel she purposely will herself to be every bit 55 for reasons only known to her. Age is all in the mind, isnt it? At 55, she is very sick and very old.

She has the whole package of illnesses. It started with high blood pressure. Pretty soon after that was diagnosed, she was found to be diabetic. And then daily intake of all those pills have lead her to have a failing kidney. She is on the way to total renal failure. It is only a matter of time before she needs dialysis.

Mak complained of pain in her right foot since two weeks ago. I thought nothing of it until my sister said that the toes have turned bluish and the sole was very very cold. I immediately called my doctor friends and they confirmed my suspicion. That the fine blood vessels to the toes have been constricted and blood flow to the area was severely compromised.

I rushed home Johor and took her to a specialist hospital.

The doctor said they did not have the doppler equipment to conduct tests on her. And so he wrote a letter for us to bring to Sultanah Aminah’s public hospital in JB.

Off we rushed her to JB. It turned out that all the pain and anxiety have made her blood pressure went sky high. Upon admission the systole was way above 200. Of course she was warded.

And so for a week she was there, the doctors were mostly busy trying to bring down her BP. For the foot, they gave some medications to dilute the blood and unclog her blood vessels but the medications were all at a very mild dosage due to her kidney. She was released with her next appointment set in October.

Mak came back Kluang with toes still bluish. And feet still icy cold. And still in pain.

If anything, the pain has now worsened.

Along called. She said, mak is practically suffering. She shivers and sweats and cries all the time. She could not eat or sleep from the acute pain. Nothing that Along tried is of use. But on a positive note, the toes are red again except for one.

I told Along that maybe the pain is a good sign, it means blood is coming back into the toes, isn’t it? But the pain is too much for Mak to bear. The painkillers given are of no help. They are the mild type, again, in consideration of her kidneys. And Mak crying in pain is something totally new. She has always been a stoic gal. Even during labor, she could eat her favorite putu piring in between pushes.

I received a message from Along just now. Mak wants all her children home.

Despite the plea from Mak, my Bro will only be going back this weekend. He has classes to attend.

As for me, I can only go back at the earliest tomorrow evening. I am quitting my job. Instead of giving them a month’s notice, I only gave 10 days. My employer has been kind enough to just close one eye to the balance 20 days. This means, I don’t have to pay them for breaching the contract. I cannot take leave. I have none left. And because the time left is now only another week, I need the time to responsibly transfer over work to someone else. I really can’t just leave. And I will be starting a new job in October.

But I know I only have one Mak. And I know for her I would die many times over. So come tomorrow I will tell Boss that I really have to be in Johor. And if it means he will want me to pay the 20 days, I guess I will have to. At the least, I need to call a meeting tomorrow morning to properly brief the guy who’s going to take over my work. And I will have to call the new office too in case I need to join them later than the promised date. And if it means i will lose the offer, so be it.

The journey back this time will be an adventurous one for I will be taking the public transport. I will have to bring Sun with me because he is after all THE breast-pump. Hopefully he will not be so boisterous on the trip.

Sigh… a mother dedicated her life to her children. When her children are sick, she never considers looking after the sick ones as an option. She doesn’t give excuses. Nothing can ever be far too important than her children. The word ‘susah’ is never in her dictionary.

How can I, as a daughter of this fine mother, turn my face away when she is in pain? How can I deny her the comfort of her children? How can I be calculative of time, energy and money so much so that I can’t just drop off everything to be with her like she must have done for me numerous times? What kind of a daughter am i if i want to jaga hati my bosses more than my own mother's? And what kind of an example am i giving my Dot if i choose to fuss over her than my own sick Mak? Dot will be okay with her buah-hati of a father. Mak needs me more. The roles have been reversed. And i am glad i am now given the chance to mother her.

The past few months have been months of one test after the other for me. Not the easiest of months. God must know that i am strong and worthy of these tests although i may think otherwise. And so i shall be. He knows best.

Please doa for my Mak’s recovery. And please doa too that I would not fail her.


Sunday, 25th Sept 2005