Monday, July 11, 2005

Hoppy Happy

I was busy pumping milk in the toilet one day. A woman walked in, saw what I was doing and hand flew to cover gaping mouth.
‘Oh, you are pumping milk.’
Apparently I was (I wasn’t kneading myself just for the heck of it). Smiled. Nodded head. Continued with what I was doing. She was still standing in front of me, blocking the light. But never mind, I didn’t need light anyway. Could do it with eyes closed.
‘Banyak dapat?’
‘Well, just enough for the son. Not enough to feed Africa.’ Smiles exchanged.
‘I wouldn’t know. I am single.’ Oh. Okay.
‘I am 44 though’ She continued on. Okay…?
‘At 44 and I am still single!’ Okay already!
I did a quick scan of her. Tall, slim, not-bad looking at all, tired and sad. Standing there with the light behind her, she looked lost, terribly lonely and in dire need of a friend.

We exchanged names. Warmth in Cubicle #2, West Wing Toilet, Level 3. She was Jee. Jilted by her boyfriend of eight years, turned down many proposals from married men, had aged and sick parents that depended heavily on her, yearned to get away from it all, marry and be merry. A really nice girl, but a sad one too.

Jee, my new friend.

I refuse to believe that marriage is a solve-all solution, a master-key to happiness, because it is not (it can be headachy in fact). Happiness doesn’t come packaged in the form of a husband and children. Undeniably, I am happier for being blessed with Yamtuan, Dot and Sun. And I can’t thank Him enough. Having said that, I still think that to walk into a marriage and putting that responsibility on the spouse is a bit of a tall-order. ‘Thee I wed. Now, thou shalt make me happy OR ELSE.’ Uhuh, i don’t think that is even remotely fair.

I believe one’s own happiness is one’s own responsibility. A marriage is only happy if we make it to be, want it to be. Being single or divorced is no excuse to be unhappy too. And if we stop asking around, ‘where is MY share of happiness?’, I believe we will be happier. It is not up to others to give it to us. It is for us to beeeeeeeeeee.

Happiness is a state of being. And being happy is voluntary. I was asked by ex-es, ‘are you happy (now that you've left me)?’ There was a time when my answer was ‘can lah’ or ‘so and so’ or ‘biasa je’. But once I decided that I had spent enough time waiting for happiness to come falling head first onto my lap, and just BE happy instead, I AM happier. Now when asked the same question, my answer is, ‘very!’ because that is how I want myself to be – very happy.

I think we all need to do a self-inventory on a regular basis; you know, see ourself as how others must see us. Counting all the charges; negative positive neutral proton electron all. Do we attract good things or do we repel them - unknowingly? Quality assurance. Quality control. In-process inspection. Final inspection. Packaging. Labeling. Stock check.

Getting more friends or attracting candidates for the post of ‘husband’ is all about marketing.

Decide the target market – young-barely-legal-boys, or mature-men, or bald-sexy, or brooding-mysterious, or plump-clownish, what-have-you (whatever turns YOU on, sister!). Strategise! Look at the product – you. Look at the packaging – your attitude, colour coordination, presentation etc. Look at the after-sales service – consistency, ilmu, iman. Look at the freebies – your ‘assets’, your acrobatics maybe? See how you can increase your marketability. As in securing any sales, make it easy, fun and natural.

First of all though, you MUST like what you are selling. You MUST believe in the marketability of the product. You MUST – can't do it any other way – LIKE the product. You must like YOURself! Find all the stuff that you like about yourself. Find ways to improve things that you don’t like about yourself. Laugh off things that you can’t change and learn to live with them. Once these are done, you will naturally be happier. I guess then it will dawn on you how you don’t really need other people to make you happy, that you don’t need a husband to make you happy. And once this is decided, that all this product improvement is really for yourself, and not to snare a husband, the husband will meekly arrive… as jodoh intends it to be. And accept the hard cruel fact that you can’t have Mawi either, he is happily engaged. Move on sister. Hands OFF him, ye hear?

Terribly simplified I know. But I am writing this as an ex-grouch, ex-slouch. To a certain degree, albeit a teenie weenie one, I do have authority on the subject. Disagree with me? Just laugh it off. And i will laugh too.

Ely, you are happy all the time. Help me out here! Second me!


Blogger anedra said...

Have faith in yourself (or whoever)..that's all I have to say! You're gotta like yrself, before others can like you. Although beauty is a bonus, it doesn;t work ALL the time! I find many people who aren't lookers but are totally, absolutely happy with who they are and the partnerships they are in! Be content with what you have, that's all. Bersyukur is good too!

btw, betul ke I can't have MAWI?? ooops lupa lak..I'm married! ;p

WORRRRLD, anyways!

10:12 PM  
Blogger AuntyN said...

Like you just said Happiness is the state of mind/being,ohhh whatever...

So, it is clear that we ourselves decide whether we want to be happy or sad. If we are in a situation where other people make us unhappy then, we need to change something to make us feel or being happy again, agree.. Of course it is easier sadi than done.
I agree with you not all marriage will end up inhappiness, so Jee should not feel that since she is not married she is not happy. Lonely maybe, but sad...I have to think about it.

10:34 PM  
Anonymous hartini said...

I agree with andra - be happy with what u have now, be content, don't ask for the sky and expect the universe.

I used to have a friend who would continuously complain about his girl friend who was very unhappy with herself, very the garang, always picking fights with everyone [me included, in an email from her... geez!]. I was wondering what was wrong with her... seemed she didn't have good relations with her mom, the rest of her family either, she didn't like herself, and because of that, she put all her anger on this poor guy and anyone within a 5 mile radius. I don't think she has improved much now, but I'm staying away from unhappy ppl coz their vibes make me unhappy too...!!

As for that girl you met, maybe it's her biological clock about to explode. That plus her parents... Must be really stressful!

10:36 PM  
Blogger OOD said...

i see you everywhere and at Essex too (still). Busy?
I am no looker, can never have Mawi, never been on tv, can only dream to be malaysian idol, kakteh not my fleshblood ~ despite all these terrible terrible misfortune, i bersyukur and happy! :oD

I should introduce Jee to your spot. I think she will benefit from your experience (like me).

u sure you were not describing me? I have improved a lot you know... No more am i grouchy! Friends? Hehehe..
Yes, hartini, it is only human to avoid insecure-angry-unhappy-grouchy people. The more isolated they become, the more resentful they get. And the more we avoid them. Goes on and on. I try to be friends with the 'misfits', kesian. Hell not easy! But i benefit from it too. You see, i get to improve too!

10:51 PM  
Blogger OOD said...

Oh Hartini,
went to your site for the first time and MENGANGA i tell you. Cantiknya your site!!!

And then jumpa pulak the newspaper article, got your picture sum more, MENGANGA wider. Cantiknya mek sorang ni, and with that beaming smile... vavava!

11:00 PM  
Anonymous Si Nana said...

sungguh berguna tips2 itu... Baiklah, saya akan berusaha! :P

11:03 PM  
Blogger AuntyN said...

OOD, came to read comments and your reply touched me. Thanks, I do hope that by positive blogging I am able to helpp a soul here and there.

2:36 AM  
Blogger iJun said...

Finally somebody with some guts to post about this issue. Yes marriage does not solve verything. In fact, it might lead to MORE problems that could be even MORE complicated. Where is your so- called "true happiness" then? Look deep within yourself, are you happy with yourself now? Are you happy with this person? Is this what the both of you want? Hmmm.. *usap-usap jambang* hehe

9:54 AM  
Blogger Kak Teh said...

OOD, the first part abt pumping milk caught my attention..gosh, those years of pumping, really felt like a cow. every morning before going to work, everning after work and then straight to fridge..the next day, same thing all over again...gosh!

9:54 AM  
Blogger born-again drama queen said...

ood, i second you.
if we can't find happiness within ourselves, then surely there's something terribly wrong with us..
as for me, munching my favourite bar of chocolate made my day yesterday, yeay!!
hari ni sah-sah jerawat gatal akan keluar dimuka..

4:55 PM  
Blogger OOD said...

U dont need tips. Sekali nana ketik, ribu ribu yang datang tauuuu..

many times people marry for the wrong reasons; kawan2 semua dah kawin lah, mak-pak pressure lah, nak anak lah, nak beranak lah, jabatan agama suruh lah etc etc.. But then again, what are the right reasons? love? money? religion? security? companion? Are they really right/wrong? watatau! *ponder ponder usap dagu licin*

7:39 PM  
Blogger OOD said...


dah lah i pam susu kat ofis, my ofis is located kat a building that was once used for milking cows! Inspiring or what!
I have been doing this dah 3 tahun kak Teh. Dari kakak dia, now the bro. Another year perhaps i'll be dutchlady... oh how i miss espressos!

you happy i know, can 'hear' from your writings! Pimples are the sign of youth. Remaja je yang pimple laden, so maybe your insides are still very much 17!! A reason to rejoice! I love Bounty & anything with raisins! Yummm.

7:46 PM  
Blogger Ely said...

oody, u are right on. not even short on any point.

but also remember, i was divorced once ...with kids! and for 9 years, my marriage was like a human trap for me. i couldnt do this, do that. i couldnt show that i am better than the ex or get this, i couldnt even visit my parents every weekend. i didnt know what took me 9 years to speak up and say 'i cant go on with the marriage'.

after the divorce, i promised myself that i owe my kids happiness. they were there when i was sad and angry and they are still here!

being married to my husband is a blessing fm Allah.

also i can say that there was noone to blame for my divorce except myself. and i am glad that i have chose to give myself the 2nd chance to remarry and be happy again.

life is a matter of choice. if u go on with life being angry and sad, then thats how u will be, if u'd rather be happy, then thats ur choice too.

this prompts me to blog about my love life eh? fm the divorce to how i met my hubby? hehehe

oody, one thing i learned fm my hubby, either u're gonna live with a smile on ur face, or a grim, thats ur's too short to be unhappy.

8:00 PM  
Blogger OOD said...

i have wondered (busybodily around your tepi kain) about your journey. Yes yes, this posting is to entice you to write about it. If many people can learn from your mistakes, and by that, they avoid repeating the same mistakes, it is your pahala what...


8:27 PM  
Blogger Maya said...

Hiya OOD,
First my apologies. Every now and then I would get an email..

"maya,i have holes on my table now (from drumming my fingers on it, waiting for you to get back into civilisation)... Hurry now, dont deprive me of good reading materials, no?"

Hehehehe. You are so sweet. Then I would reply telling you the sad story of my present life but it would immediately be sent back, as if some cyberGod doesn't want to pollute your stance at complete happiness!

I am really having very busy days and I stay away from distractions...good distractions, esp blogs like yours...becoz I live with deadlines all around me!

Anyway, my nose is so stuffed with yuckky stuff that I am rendered useless after inhaling vapours and decided to drop by. Prior to that when I sat typing I would suddenly see drops of whitish stuff on my notes/keyboard and I would wonder where it came from. I would look up at the ceiling and no cicak there...suddenly in a fraction of a revealing second I realize that it was from my nose...apparently the bugger had gotten numb and so tak rasa the drippinginess!

Great are tres smart :) Just one thing tho - when I try to see myself as others see me I am astounded :) You look good (not true, I am fat); You are smart (not true - I merely have some skills); You are kind (not true I have my agenda); You are efficient (Not true at ALL, coz I am hoplelessly messy); You are full of vitality (not true, I am cantekerous); you are encouraging (not ture, I am being bossy, maybe subtly so); You are happy...ummmm maybe.

So perhaps I shd vie for the Oscars? How can people get me so wrong? Ha! But I am not complaining.

Gotta go for now my dear *Sniff* Sniff* You take care and do leave me your email that works!

Luv, Maya

8:50 PM  
Blogger Ely said...

ood, read my blog, its up!

berpeluh2 gue type pepanjang!

9:10 PM  
Blogger Ely said...

ood, u need to refresh my blog cayang!

time u ketuk pintu tuh, i tgh kasi betul my laptop buat hal!

9:37 PM  
Anonymous hartini said...

Ood, I segan u ternganga *heheee* dua kali pulaknye tu... malu I *heheheee* Anyway, thanks for the compliments :)

Oh yes, I'm happy that you got out of the grouchy-ness. :) We're all entitled to be angry, grouchy, negative... but not every day lah. Not healthy, kan :) I was also looking to find happiness by marrying anyone. Mostly coz the biological clock was ticking loudly. Luckily I didn't run off with some tom, dick or harry. I'm glad I waited. Even now, at 34, still single, no kids - so what! *LOL* Life is goooooood, stress-free!!! And gets too comfortable, it can be worrying *hehehee* But well, everything happens with a reason, and I believe if I had just married for the sake of finding happiness, that would have backfired...

9:56 PM  
Blogger OOD said...

you WRITE in my spot.. just a teenie morsel but beggars cant complaint so much ;o)
my hotmail account is always congested with emails from naughty school-age girls or lonely housewives or people who want me to win some million bucks or a plasma tv .. try
I will email you.

6:53 PM  
Blogger OOD said...

wah, make me MENGANGA again. You cannot be 34! It wont be fair to 24 year olds!

I married late, at 30/31. Eleh, consider kita macam wine, the older the better.. (haha, wishful thinking!). I was lucky, no pressure from family and i wasnt in a hurry pon. As for biological clock, bahagian masing-masing lah. Madonna pon dapat children after 40 kan? You are not any less of a person just because you dont have a man in the house, kan?

7:01 PM  
Anonymous hartini said...

hehehehe i love that consider kita macam wine, the older the better.. :D

Yea, if Madonna can, so can I *heheheee* only that Madonna's pocket is deeper. Mine has many holes. :D

11:51 PM  

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