Oodice in Wonderland

The best part of a romance, to me is the ‘falling in love’ part, not the ‘being in love’ bit. The falling episode, the uncertainties, the doubts, the ache, the longing – all are great source of adrenalin. Roller coster rides are thrilling because of the sharp drop and then the gradual uplifting after. There is this risk that you may be thrown off course and crash down into an unidentifiable gob, of suffering more than just a heartbreak. Protecting yourself - seatbelts all buckled up, against the hurt that might come, at the same time opening up to the pleasure of taking the ride and hope that it’ll be a great one too – are contradicting, insane in fact!

Isn’t it the same as the courting period? You don’t know the person quite well, you worry that he’ll play you but you want so much to believe him. You worry about getting hurt yet, you are ever so willing to let go off your guard. The heart skips everytime thoughts of him wander through your mind, extra heartbeat means extra oxygen intake kan? So you get giddy from the extra oxygen which explains the idiotic smile you constantly have on your face. And the agony of wondering and pulling out flower petals on whether he loves you or he loves you not. Of looking for hints and clues that the feeling is mutual, of reading between lines and every nooks and corners there are for what you want to hear. He said he has tones of work to do, that must mean he is thinking of none other but you. He said he’s going to make three copies of the report, he must have really meant, he wants to see more of you. Always, looking for signs. He looks at you from across the room, and you start to decipher 1000 messages from that look alone.

Every opportunity to see him, you’ll be at your best. Dresses well starched and ironed, tummy tucked in neatly, cheeks slapped red for that natural blush effect, pout well-practiced. Perfect. And during conversations, you offer the cleverest of opinions, giggle cutely at all the right moments, smile well-glazed with the sweetest nectar.

And when you are there with him, nothing else matters, there seems to be only the two of you in the world. Everything else is just prop or extras to the romantic movie you are starring. Every songs played are written for you, you relate to all the lyrics, even the song ‘we are the world’ is no more about famine or being united to help save the less fortunate, no, it is about you and him, your world.

Falling, Falling.

And one day it all came true. He loves you too. The day that was revealed, fireworks lit the sky! Oh how the stars cheered!

Let’s walk together hand-in-hand towards the sunset like couples always do in soppy romantic movies. This is when, happily ever after started.

What happens after the curtains came down. What happens off the silverscreen? He's well-snared now, so?

Once an Alice has fallen down properly, feet firmly planted on earth, she-you realize that it is Wonderland that she-you have fallen into. It is magical, and eventually, after the proper akad nikah we hope, you will produce magical creatures too. Not necessarily Tweedledeedium type but just as adorable (to you). Being in love, in Wonderland is a great adventure, I don’t doubt. Oh, there are many things to discover, many sweet cakes to sample too. And he’s there with you to unravel the wonders of ‘being in love’ together. Perfect.

But you see, 'falling in love' is a process, a verb. Having done it, it becomes a noun. You have landed, reached the destination. So, now what? 'Being in love' requires a lot of SOPs and maintenance, it requires effort and attention. It gradually becomes a chore. Sooner or later, you’ll be tired of tea parties and the card games. How long can you just sit there, looking at each other basking in love?

What then?

Is there a Wondererland after Wonderland?

I have been married for ten years now, I think (Yamtuan’s the one who remember birthdates and anniversaries). I am still perhaps painting white roses, red. My Wonderland is still full of wonder. Yamtuan is still magical, slaying dragons for me. My Tweedlesun, Tweedledot and Tweedletiga are still delightful little wonders. I am still too short to reach for keys when it is placed on certain tables, I still sometimes swim with Dodos in my tears. When will Wonderland be Normaland? Will it ever?

Yesterday was Tiga’s second birthday. I looked at her sleeping on Yamtuan’s chest and my heart just swelled. May we always be in wonder of each other. If I ever need the thrill of falling again, let it be into the same Wonderland.