Love?

Kerana cinta duri menjadi mawar
kerana cinta cuka menjelma anggur segar
Kerana cinta keuntungan menjadi mahkota penawar
Kerana cinta kemalangan menjelma keberuntungan
Kerana cinta rumah penjara tampak bagaikan kedai mawar
Kerana cinta tompokan debu kelihatan seperti taman
Kerana cinta api yang berkobar-kobar jadi cahaya yang menyenangkan
Kerana cinta syaitan berubah menjadi bidadari
Kerana cinta batu yang keras menjadi lembut bagaikan mentega
Kerana cinta duka menjadi riang gembira
Kerana cinta hantu berubah menjadi malaikat
Kerana cinta singa tak menakutkan seperti tikus
Kerana cinta sakit jadi sihat
Kerana cinta amarah berubah menjadi keramah-ramahan

~ Jalaludin Rumi (Sufist)


A friend texted me yesterday, ‘Can we talk? Now?’ or something to that effect. The message was soft and simple but the urgency behind it was deafening. And so I called him. He was heartbroken, the love of his life just decided that she wanted out. Perhaps she wanted more than what he could offer her – marriage, kids etc, and she wanted them asap. He couldn’t offer her anything of that sort yet and she was tired of waiting. The uncertainties in their relationship were perhaps too much for her to bear. And I don’t fault her for that. If my friend really does love her as much as he claims, then he knows that he does have options. He could either offer her the very thing that she wanted or wish her all the best and let go.

Love is a basket full of contradictions. It pains and delights, makes you weak and strong, laugh and cry, foolish and wise, complicated and simple - all bundled up.

I don’t think anyone ever decided to be in or out of love. I don’t think love is a choice. Pursuing your love is an act of choice and so is marriage. But love? I don’t think so. But can love really be pinned down, stripped bare and analysed proper? I don’t think so too.

I have read once how scientists (who really have nothing better to do with their research grants) studied love and deduced that love is simply a result of chemical reactions. The A matter in Mr Boy meets the B matter in Miss Girl and as a result, chemical AB aka ‘love’ is produced. Exothermic reaction i.e heat released from the combination. Nowhere in the reaction is romance involved.

Yamtuan accused me, this morning during breakfast that I married him for ‘physical’ reasons only – whatever that means. But a conversation such as that, after a night romp is easy to just overlook. But thinking back about that exchange, I worry a bit. Honestly, it makes me sound superficial. No. Wrong. Very.

I marry him because he is the best thing that ever happened to me. He may not be the best man there is, but he is the best for me. He is the missing piece of the huge puzzle that was my life. I don’t particularly care that he is not motivated by money, and I don’t mind it at all the fact that he isn’t refined. His moustache is not trimmed and styled. He can't sing for peanuts. But he rocks!

He makes me laugh when I am down, and he makes me see things from a different perspective, he provides balance in my tipsy world, he is the calm in my chaotic messy life. He listens when I talk and knows how to make me listen when he wants to talk.

I am not swept off my feet, I don’t crumble with a mere look from him, I don’t faint when he touches me, true. And I don’t hang on to his very word and memorise them like a mantra. I don’t worship the ground that he walks on and I don’t place him on an altar in that solitary temple in my heart. No altars, no temples. I don’t write songs for him (mwahaha.. no offence to Siti’s fans). No. Not that kind of love. No. I wont kill myself for him. But I will die for him if needs be (I hope never).

I love him for the simple person that he is. I am not blinded, I do see his flaws and I know well both his Mr Jekyl and Mr Hyde selves. And I can love them both (maybe one side less than the other).

Love or not, there are times however, more than I care to admit maybe, when I feel like throwing pinggan-mangkuk-periuk-belanga at him. There are times when perhaps carelessly I talk too highly about another man infront of Yamtuan, but hey, it is not as a comparison to him. Given the choice, I’ll vote for my simple Yamtuan, anytime, over and over again.

Once I remarked how lucky Marc Anthony must have felt when J.Lo said yes. Yamtuan replied, any man would feel the same when their lady said yes, J.Lo or not. In that sense, I am as J.Lo as any other girl. Okay what. Ood Lopez. I like.

Love doesn’t always equate to marriage. Who says you must switch off your love for someone simply because she has switched hers off? Must love be returned? Must you own the person as a sign of love returned? Is ownership part of the equation?

Sigh.. I do care a lot about this friend. I hope he finds enough love in his heart to let go of her. Let her find her happiness and her jodoh. And I hope he’ll find the strength within himself to heal and move on.

Listen,

Sesudah demikian lama dicintai, sukarlah dilupakan.
Inti pengalaman, kepedihan; akar kerinduan keresahan...
Memang begitu banyak diperlukan kekuatan,
kepangkalan batin, rakit ditambatkan bara kenangan dikuatkan
Akhirnya, tak terduga, kekuatan membuak sendiri,
dan disedari, semua takkan sampai, ke dasar inti.
Tiada lagilah bezanya, sama ada hilangnya kemudian atau tenggelamnya sekarang.
Tiada juga bezanya , jika ia langsung tak datang atau tiba-tiba terkorban
Kepiluan yang berlanjut akhirnya, ditenterami keyakinan,
betapa dielak pun takdir tetap terbuka pintunya
bertanya: manusia, engkau ini sebenar-benarnya siapa..

~A. Samad Said (1985 )